Final Fantasy VII: Deadpool Remix
by Captain Deadpool
Summary: Deadpool enters the Final Fantasy VII story. Filled with romance, action, and collateral damage! My three favorite things besides Deadpool! I'm looking for people to do crossovers with Deadpool in FF VIII, IX, X, maybe XI, and XII. Any takers?
1. Now You See Him, Now You Don't!

* * *

"DEADPOOL! How the hell did you get in here? There is no way you got past all the security from the from the front door to my office. There is no way. None." 

"Yo, don't pop a vein, Cyclops ol' chum."

Cyclops let's out a deep groan. People like Deadpool didn't sit well with Cyclops. They were anarchists. People with no respect for any kind of authority or rules. Cyclops could barely grasp the concept of anarchy, but he got enough to tell him that he didn't like it.

"Deadpool, I am not in the mood. This is the day I've set asside to do my paperwork. My paperwork is more important to me than listening to your insanity. Hell, I can't think of too many things I'd rather be doing. Now, you will tell me, in no uncertain terms, how and why (assuming you actually have a reason) you broke into my office in the X Mansion!"

"Well, my phsyciatrist says I should make more friends, and well, I can't think of a friendlier bunch o' guys an' gals than the X-buddies (sadly), can you? As for how, I have one word for you. Teleportation Device."

"You're just bored, aren't you?" Cyclops made a point of not noticing Deadpool's obvious mistake.

"Damn. I didn't think you'd figure it out. How could you tell?"

"You're always bored when you're not destroying something."

"Too true."

Cyclops took a few moments to formulate a plan, 'How am I going to get this maniac out of my hair?' Just then, like a bolt of lightning, an idea hit him so herd that his face nearly changed expression! 'Put him into someone else's!' Cyclop's felt bad for what he was about to do, but he had to get Deadpool out of here fast. If he waited too long, the property damage could easily rise into the billions (hey, all those fancy toys are expensive!) By the end of the day, someone would be repairing thier headquarters, but at least it wouldn't be him!

Cyclops finally spoke to Wade, after a few minutes of serious thought (not that I'm saying he's capable of anything else),"You know, Deadpool, you really don't want to be in the X-men, do you?"

Deadpool gives him a 'Duhh...' Look, "I don't?"

"No. You don't. You want to be in the... uh... the Fantastic Four!" Deadpool just stared at him._'Do they really think I'm THAT stupid?' _he thought.

"Oh, really?" he places his chin on his knuckles, and his elbow on the desk,"and how might I join them, pray tell?"

Cyclops scribbled on a peice of paper, and then handed it to Deadpool. "Just go to this address and I'll have every thing set up for you."

"Really? Trully? Honestly? Sincerely? Swear to Bea?" he knew he was being played for a fool, but the F4 did have some neat toys, and he'd have a chance to get Cyclops back soon enough with something he'd stolen from Cyclop's person earlier. Damn leader was sharp most of the time, but paper work excited him and made him lose his focus. And they said HE was mental. Better than annal, he supposed...

"Whatever. Now get out of here before I change my mind."

"Yippee-doo-da!" and with that Deadpool ran out of the room, leaving Cyclops to his thoughts. 'I hate to do this, but if I don't start on that paperwork soon, I'll have to deal with the withdrawal...' He dialed up the Baxter building to tell them of an applicant he was sending their way.

"Hello? Oh, I'm glad you're there. I'm sending someone over that didn't quite meet our requirements, and I told him you'd hear him out. He wants to be on a team for some reason. (Some suprised and slightly angry noises came from the phone.) Yes, I know you don't have an opening. All you have to do is give him an 'interview'. I'll just have to owe you a favor. (The person on the other end asked Cyclops a question.) No, I'll let that be a suprise. (A positive sound came from the phone, if slightly reluctant.) Good day," and then he hang up.

He tapped his fingers on his desk for a moment, and then he said to himself, " I just know that this is going to bite me right in the ass eventually..."

* * *

When Deadpool got out side, he dangled a set of stolen keys in the air. "I hope ol' One Eye doesn't mind if I borrow his car keys. It's such a long way to New York City... now which one of these little darlin's opens the garage door..." He finds the right key and opens the garage. Finding Scott's car, he drives off laughing loudly for a couple of miles.

* * *

Scott Summers felt a disturbance in the force. He looked up from his paperwork (a testement to the magnetude of the disturbance) and stared straight ahead. Something was not right. He looked around the office, he double checked his paperwork, and, satisfied that nothing was amiss there, he decided that only one thing could possibly be wrong. He jumped up from his chair and ran to the X-garage (Team policy: everything must begin with X- or it wasn't cool) and prayed that he was mistaken for the first time in his life. 

When he found the X-garage door already opened, he checked his pockets and discovered that his keys were missing. He didn't bother to check his car. He knew it wasn't there. He started to tear up as he looked up to the sky and exclaimed:

"CURSE YOU, DEADPOOL! CURSE YOU!"

Deadpool was going to rot in hell by the end of the day for this, if Cyclops had any say in the matter! He pulled out his cellphone right then and there, and called the Baxter building again.

"Hello? This is Scott. Sorry for bothering you again, but something has come up..."

* * *

Deadpool had made it to to the New York City limits in record time. Of course, as he always told people, things move much more smoothly when you ignore speed-limits, the current state of your vehicle, or pedestrians. Of course, he did care about the pedestrians. He had a little game going on, to pass the time. Every time he hit someone, he'd start driving with his feet and put a tally mark with one of his katana on the seat next to him. He thought Cyclops would get a kick out of that. _'Hmm. Only eleven. I must be getting old or something...' _

When Deadpool arrived, he was of course dreadfully late. He was having so much fun playing 'Whack the Peds' that he didn't remember his appointment with the Fantastic Four untill sometime in the late afternoon, when Cyclop's sports car had taken all it could take. Luckily it bit the dust close to the Baxter Building. Shame it was stuck in the middle of the road. No big deal. But still, he wished he had the time to completely watch the massive pile-up that was starting to form. It had been awhile since he watched such a pile of junk grow so quickly.

Yep. Deadpool was in a pretty good mood. Of course, once the Powers that Be realized this, they corrected the problem before it was too late. Naturally, they would wait untill the time was right, and after Deadpool could do nothing to save himself.

"Um, sir? You will have to leave your w-weapons here, um, sir..." Of course. Guards. He should have known his choice of armament (or any choice of armament) would not be allowed in here. Deadpool calculated his odds, weighed his options, and came to a very hard conclusion.

He suddenly froze in place and snapped his head around without moving another part of his body, and gave the man the most awsome death-stare that the poor man had ever seen. It made him look very inhumane. The gaurdsman, every bit the professional, was promptly pissing himself silly. Obviously trying to gather the composure to call in for back up, Deadpool decided not to give him a chance. He said one word without seeming to twitch a muscle,"No."

The poor man sagely decided to let it go, just this once. He then continued to wet himself.

As Deadpool walked to the elevater, he couldn't shake the feeling that he would have been better off shooting the guard and making a break for it. Naw, just his brain talking. He'd learned to tune it out a long time ago.

Deadpool was met with a room filled with lab equipment. Yep this is Mr. Franken-tastic's pad alright. He decided to try and grab someones attention. "Marco?" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

"DEADPOOL!" responded an enraged Cyclops, who was siting at a desk that most likely belonged to Mr. Fantastic.

"Cyclops? Why are you here? And it's Polo, not Deadpool, though I agree, they really should change it-"

"You know what Deadpool? I'm sick of your shit. I'm sick of you, and I am especially sick at what you did to my car!"

"Oh, so you know about that, huh?" he leaned on a nearby workbench as he said this.

"KNOW ABOUT IT! Everyone in Manhatten knows about it by now. I heard the explosion from thirty-four motherfucking stories up! Not only did you take one of my few reasons for living away from me, as if that weren't enough to warrant my rage, you have also destroyed the lives of HUNDREDS! Do you hear me, Wilson? HUNDREDS!"

Deadpool let out a heavy yawn,"I heard you, I heard you. Now, what's yer point? What was once a simple means of transportation is now an Object de Art!"

"SIMPLE MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION! ART! I made it from _scratch_! Now it's just a charred piece of metal blocking traffic!" if Cyclop's heart raced any faster, he would at risk of going into cardiac arrest!

"Art is a matter of perspective, a two-hundred car pile up is simply art in my perspective, Old Bean, You just gotta chill, bruddah. Free you mind-"

As he was not in the mood to play Deadpool's little game, Scott knocked the chair he was sitting on down as he got up quickly, and in a movement Deadpool could barely follow, had his hands up to his visor. He gave out a battle cry that would have chilled the bones of any mere mortal,"Your trail of pain and suffering ends here, fiend!"

But this is Deadpool we're talking about. He just laughed.

"'Your trail of pain and suffering ends here'?" he started to chuckle again,"'FIEND?'" he nearly lost control, and then he looked on Cyclop's face, and realized he was serious. He laughed even harder than before. He managed to stay up by leaning on a workbench. True to his word, Cyclops was 'slaying' him. He managed to stop eventually. He snatched a wrench-like tool (hell, it may have been a wrench for all Deadpool knew) from the work bench he was leaning on for support, and said,"Well, if your gonna make this personal, Slim..."

Cyclops fired without warning, and Deadpool barely managed to dodge. Cyclops only had one power, but he knew how to use it. Deadpool was at a disadvatage being so far away and unable to use lethal force. He did not need the kind of heat he would probably get from killing an X-men, and this was the fearless leader! He threw the wrench thing, and while it hit its mark, it did not do so fast enough to prevent Scott from firing another blast. This one went wild and hit a large tube with some strange glowing liquid in it, wich was of course dangling above Deadpool's head. It covered him completely, and caused his telleportation device to shoot sparks.

"Oh, shi--"

In a flash, he was gone.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own nothing but a flimsy idea. 


	2. New World, Same Rotten Luck

Deadpool found himself about twenty feet in the air, and as some form of gravity was present in this dimension, he went the way of the apple (for those of you who are a few fries short of a Happy Meal, that means he fell). Well, on the bright side, he did land on something kind of soft.

* * *

Deadpool noticed four things after he picked himself up (Pshaw, twenty feet ain't nutin' to the Merc-with-a-Mouth) and duste himself off. A). He was in a run-down church of a seemingly Christian nature. He silently wondered if someone up there was making fun of his spiritual condition. He doesn't think about it for long. B). He's standing in a flower bed. He doesn't think much of this at the moment. C). He isn't alone. Staring at him wide eyed is the pink and red clad girl known (with varying degrees of affection) as Aeris Gainsborough. Of course, Deadpool doesn't know this yet. 

Her eyes are wide open, one hand is covering her mouth in shock, the other is pointing at him while trembling. She seems nearly frozen in that position, and it makes Deadpool uncomfortable, so he just stares at her while trying to figure out what to do next. _'I have the oddest feeling, it's like I'm missing something... but what?' _But his thoughts were cut short as Aeris gains her voice.

"You're..." it seems she has trouble forming the words,"You're..."

_'It's Japanese, but I can't place the accent. That wierd liquid stuff sure gave my teleporter one hell of a jump start... I would have never imagined I could get this kind of range... I wonder if it works on my television? Then I could travel through time! That'd be flippin' awsome!'_

"NAKED!"

That brought the Merc from his reverie, and he, in his best Japanese, said, "My mother what?" He looked down to find that the girl spoke the truth, he was one-hundred percent all-natural. This also meant he had no mask on. This meant she could see his face. And this meant that the fear of being alone with a naked man in a secluded location was multiplied tenfold by being with a horribly disfigured naked man. Yes, friends, this is the fourth important fact that Deadpool finally discovered: D). He was naked and unarmed. Took him long enough. Forgive him folks, he's a little dense on certain matters.

Unfortunately for our hapless mercenary, the opposite was true on both accounts for Aeris, who was both fully clothed and armed with a staff. Deadpool found this out the hard way, for the second he looked down to confirm his, um, state of missdress, she wacked him on the head with all her might.

**Whack!**

Deadpool responded by falling down, doing a barrel roll, quickly getting up and raising both hands above his head to signify his surrender.

"Now just calm down, I won't hurt you..."

**WHACK! **Deadpool was on the ground in a flash.

"EEEK! Monster!"

"Monster? Now, I know I'm not that easy on the eyes, but that's just..."

**WHACK! **Eww... that was definately a foul...

"Die!"

"Oww, my head. You know that's really not nice..."

**WHACK!** If he didn't have his healing factor, he'd be dead with this many blows to the head.

"AHHH! You pervert!"

Deadpool realized that she would not see reason. _'I'm ending this now!'_ The next time she brought the rod down to dispense divine justice upon his poor person, he caught it and quickly ripped it from her clutch. He then jumped up and used it to pen her down by sanwiching her neck between the staff and the floor.

He positioned his facial features to make them as intimidating as possible, and with a wicked grin on his face and a homocidal gleam in his eye, he said," What on Earth are you doing! Does your mother know your bangin' older men? The shame!" he moved his face closer to hers, " I could do anything to you now, do you know that? Huh, bitch? I could kill you just to watch you die, cut you just to watch you bleed, and not give one single solitary damn. What do you say to that?" This was a little more dramatic than his usual stuff, but desperate times called for desperate measures. If the only way to get some respect was to scare it up, it'd have to do for now. Now to see how she responds...

Needless to say he got his answer quickly, in the form of her kneeing him in his unprotected groin. He doubled over in pain, giving her the opportunity to escape with her staff. She wasted no time fleeing, leaving Deadool with his thoughts and his pain.

After about ten minutes, he got up, and with a mysterious blue light shining in his eyes, vows to himself:

"She, whoever she thinks she is, has just made the biggest mistake of her life. She's made this personal. IT IS ON, SISTER!"

* * *

**Auther's Notes: This is before Aeris meets Cloud and offers to sell him a flower. Also to note: Deadpool has several challenges ahead. He has to figure out where he is, find some clothing (including a mask, if possible), and get at least one weapon. On top of all that, he has to settle the score with Aeris, and he doesn't even know her name. This is getting interesting, and officially the game hasn't even started yet! I'm quit proud of myself.**


	3. Deadpool Reflects

However, Deadpool had bigger fish to fillet before he could move on to the main course, his revenge. No matter, it is a dish best served cold, right? Little did Deadpool know that the answers to his problems lay close at hand, and in ways he could not have imagined. That's why I'm writing this story, and not him.

"Unfortunately."

What's that supposed to mean?

"Your word, Mr. Deadpool, is Un-for'tu-nate-ly," he said this in a Mrs. Old-teacher-lady voice.

He then let's his mouth hang open as he drools a bit, and sais in a Idiot-who-can't-spell-and-shouldn't-be-here-but-his-mother-forced-him-so-that-he-could-have-one-more-shot-at-making-her-proud-not-that-he-understood-the-concepts-of-pride-or-mother voice, "Duh, can ah 'ave an definition peas? Yummy, peas."

"Unfortunately, an adverb, marked by, affected by, or promising bad fortune." Remember, this is all one guy.

"Otay, F-U-K-Y-U."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Idiot-who-can't-spell-and..."

That is quite enough. You know what I mean, stop being such an ass.

"Oh, and speaking (or typing, in your case) of ass, why in hell am I exposed for the world to see in all my Deadpool-glory? In a church, no less. This some kind of homo-erotic fantasy of yours?"

What's so homo-erotic about standing in a church stark naked?

"Yeah, would kill the mood abit I guess. Religion and all. Still, why?"

(Sigh) Several reasons, I guess. I wanted you to have a fresh start in this world mostly...

"'This world'? You mean this is a dimensional thing?"

Yep. Anyway, if you had a weapon, you would have killed or maimed that girl after her reaction to you. Big no-no. So it got 'lost in transmition'.

"True, but back to the dimension thing, where am I?"

I'd tell you, but you wouldn't understand.

Deadpool then suddenly heard some laughter coming from outside. He could make out two sets of footsteps. Fairly heavy, so he'd assume they were two full-grown males. Fairly dumb, too. It was stupid to make such noises in what was probably rough neighborhood. Never knew what kind of unpleasant characters could be about, besides themselves. Deadpool grabed two fairly sturdy pieces of wood.

"Whatever. It's time for me to go shopping anyway. I hear they have a great discount on aisle five..."

* * *

**_Time for Mr. Deadpool to do some damage! And just who are those two fellows? Will what they're wearing fit Deadpool? What surprises do I have in store for our hero? _**

**_Next time: Deadpool, meet Marlene Wallace!_**


	4. Wade Wilson, meet Marlene Wallace

A/N: 

Most people in Deadpool's universe have a stern, and almost entirely negative opinion of him. They also, however begrudgedly, will admit that he is one of the deadliest men alive. However, he does have one major weakness. His powers, such as his healing factor and his super-strength, and the skill he uses is proportional to his will to do whatever it is he's doing and the urgency of the situation. For example, if he get's a papercut, it may take an hour to heal as it is no big deal, but if he gets his arm cut off then it will probably take about five minutes (faster than that if he's doing something important with it) to grow back. I want you to think about this as you read the chapter.

Chap. 4: Wade Willson, meet Marlene Wallace!

Deadpool found himself stalking two low-lifes, a fat one and a thin one. The fat one was wairing what would have probably been a white, wool jacket, had it not been stained yellow with age and deglect, and a pair of pants that appeared to be jeans. He was a giant, at the very least he was eight feet tall, and completely bald. He wore nothing to cover his feet, though Deadpool could see why. _'Talk about your solid foundations! Those suckers are huge!'_ Much to Deadpool's joy he had two guns holstered at his considerable hips, but he was suprised when he couldn't tell what type of gun they were, aside from the fact that they were pistols of some sort._ 'I must be pretty far from my universe...'_

The thin one carried a sack on his back and had a sword at his hip. Again, it was unfamiliar to him. He wore a large (for him, but it could be just right for Deadpool...) t-shirt, ripped jeans and large combat boots. He also appeared to be suffering from some mutation, as his skin was pale green.

They have names, past lives, bios, statistics, and blah blah blah, but in about two minutes, that won't matter.

Deadpool's eyes start to glow blue as he let's out a whistle to alert his prey of his presence. They didn't know what hit 'em, and what hit 'em is two chunks of splintery old wood flying at ninety miles per hour. I won't go into detail, but let's just say the pair didn't have much in the way of heads after words. Needless to say, Deadpool was very sorry.

"Damn!" he cries out to no one in particular,"Why did they have to leave a mess like that? And did you see how I threw that shit? I don't know my own strength... " He has no idea.

Well, he did what any grieving soul does when they witness someone die a gruesome and bloody death. They loot their cold liveless bodies for anything of value. He wore the fat man's pants after some minor adjustments with the thin man's sword, put on the thin man's shirt and combat boots, and then cut up the clothing that he didn't use to wrap up as much exposed skin as possible. Guns strapped to his hips, sword sheathed on his back, he opened up a rusty car trunk and stuffed the bodies inside.

He promtly turned his attention to the sack. It was rather large considering that it only held a few strange coins, some strange glowing orbs, and a few naughty magazines.

Oh, and a little girl.

* * *

After a delicate but thorough inspection, Deadpool deducted that she had not been violated, unless you count being knocked in the back of the head and stuffed in a sack as violation. Deadpool personally didn't. A nasty bump on the back of the head was all she was suffering from, and they took care not to give her a concussion. If he had to geuss, he'd say that those two had been slave traders, and that they'd hit the jackpot.

"Untill they met the mighty and virtue-driven hero that is my wonderfull self jumped into the fray to save this lovely and sadly underaged damsel! Honestly, I should be at least a saint by now. But no! Y'know what those dorks at the Whosaname Cathedral said? Something to the tune of, 'You're a murderer and a blah blah blah blah you keep refering to the clergy as dorks blah blah blah...' to be honest, I slept through most of it. Sermons do that to me."

Anyway. She was rather pretty, and she was wairing a simple nightshirt. Any slaver or slave-owner would pay dearly for such a specimen. Most people would get sick at the thought of this little girl's fate, because even if slavery was not it, it was unlikely to be pleasant. Deadpool took it in stride, having seen far uglier things, both in the literal and figurative sense.

He picked the girl up, planning on taking her to the nearest adult and leaving before people started to ask too many questions. Sadly, it was not to be.

* * *

He heard a low growl coming from behind him. He turned, very aware of the little girl in his hands, to face the source of the noise. Dogs- mutated no dought - about the size of a fairly big tiger, hairless and blue with red streaks radomly adorning thier skin. Three of them. Deadpool shifted the girl into his left hand, and grabed one of his pistols with his right. Then he prayed to anything that would listen that it was loaded.

* * *

Much improved fourth chapter. Deadpool is about to fight three enemies while defending a little girl, who is Marlene. I needed a way to get him into AVALANCHE and this was perfect. 


	5. Deadpool Luck, True to Form

**When we last left Deadpool, he was in the middle of a pile of junkyard near the famous abandoned Church of Midgar, where he is forced to fight three strange over sized canines one handed, in a manner of speaking. In his left arm is a sweet little girl that he had saved by accidentally by killing and stealing from the right people at the right time. Can he do it with just his pilfered weaponry?**

* * *

Deadpool watched his foes carefully. His own life meant little to him. If he had been alone, he would have ran, or even let them take a crack at him. He couldn't die, and even if he could, he wouldn't care. As it stood, even Deadpool couldn't leave a little girl that couldn't be over eight years old at the mercy of these beasts. The hounds slowly began circling their prey. 

"Smelled the blood (from the men Deadpool had killed) and came looking for an easy meal, boys? Yer in luck. It's free lunch day at El McDeadpool's Waffle House o' Pain in a Bucket!"

One of the hounds took the initiative and attacked Deadpool from behind, but Deadpool had heard him leap of the ground, and with speed he didn't think he possessed, turned and shot the monster, killing him instantly. Taking advantage of the time it took for Wade to kill his brethren, a second beast attacked Deadpool, also from behind, and got more of the same.

"You know, I think I was worried for a sec. Stupid me, I musta forgot how fantabulous I am. Now, Fido, or you going to go away and leave the great and wise and powerful and sexy and modest and- stop me if I'm leaving anything out would you?"

Deadpool and what was obviously the leader of the pack's eyes met. Deadpool could swear he saw a smug grin on the Mongrel's face when he let out an ear splitting howl. Suddenly, a horde of the devils appeared all over the place. On top of cars, on stacks of junk, and most importantly blocking the only exit Deadpool could see. He had no choice but to charge.

Running toward the exit, again faster than he thought he could, he fired four shots, each hitting there targets and clearing him out a pathway. The ammunition of his first gun gone, he draws his second quickly. The rest of the beasts jump down from there positions and give chase, there leader (the only one that was more red than blue), um, leading the pursuit.

Then, out of nowhere, a monster ambushes him, and he dodges instinctively and fires, killing the thing.

"The Unstoppable Deadpool: 7, The Butt Ugly Mother-Fucking Bastards: Nada."

He reached another blockade, and this one had seven beasties in his path.

"Y'know, you guys are pretty organized, considering that all of your mothers were toaster ovens, and your fathers were cats."

He quickly shot and killed five of them, opening a way, but was being fallowed by the two remaining monsters only two feet behind him, in addition to the twenty or so still following him about ten feet away. His gun totally spent, he got out the sword and fell back a bit to take care of his closest pursuers.

He did manage to slice one's head off, but in the same instant, the other one bit his leg nearly clean off. Deadpool fell to the ground, carefully landing on his back so that he didn't harm the girl in his arms. Not that in made much of a difference anyway.

"Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnitdamnit! Why isn't my fuckin' leg healing?" It was true. He couldn't get up because it refused to heal. Figures. Everything always failed him when he need it. Now he was helpless (his sword had fallen to the ground as he fell) and surrounded by a pack of ravenous mutant wolves. He may have deserved something like this, but he very much doubted the gal he was protecting did. Then he felt a surge of power. He grabbed at this power with his mind, just in case it would save his precious cargo.

**LIMIT BREAK LEVEL ONE: TELEPORTATION**

In a flash of light, Deadpool was somewhere else, he didn't know where and he didn't care, because he saw something that made his heart jump for joy. Death. Deadpool smiled and an actually tear ran down his cheek.

"You've come for me at last!" his slid the girl of his chest and reached for Death with open arms. "I knew you'd save me someday! Take me away, I can't take it anymore! It hurts everyday, and it never stops. I just want to die! I just want peace! You've taken worse men than me, what have I done to deserve this living hell? Take me... please..."

Death looked at Wade with a frown. She didn't say anything as she faded away.

Deadpool's arms dropped limply and he stared ahead without expression. His final words before losing consciousness were:

"Come back here... you bitch... why are you letting this happen to me...?" Deadpool lost consciousness, and as the blue aura around him faded, his wounds heal.

* * *

_I like to change the tone a lot when I write, I hope nobody minds. Deadpool will put up more of a fight when he masters his new power, and he'll need every ounce he can get. I hope you enjoyed a look into a deeper part of Deadpool to wards the end of this chapter._


	6. She's so Diggin' Me

When Deadpool woke up, he was laying on his side on couch, staring at someone's ass. From the size, shape, and legs attached to said ass he could determine that this fine specimen belonged to a female. A fine specimen it was indeed, and just within his reach. His booty hand was itching'. He hopped that this was going to be worth the pain. I hope the women in the audience will be understanding, he's only a man. Really, it's her fault. Those damn shorts...

"EEK!" **WHAM! **Deadpool made his way through the ceiling. And not by using that fancy elevator, either.

Deadpool broke through the floor of the bar.

He hit his head on a table, causing it to topple over, which was saying something as this table was nailed to the ground.

The table landed flat upside-down, scattering cards and shattering bear mugs.

Since the table's foundation was nailed down, the resulting object (having been torn away from said foundation) was a round disk on the floor with a pointy wooden spike. I think you see where I'm going with this.

Deadpool hit the ceiling of the part of the bar that was open to the public. The costumers quickly but calmly vacated the area, thinking that Barret was in one of his 'moods'.

Deadpool peeled off the ceiling with a sicking 'SHLUNK' sound and landed on that wooden stake I'd mentioned earlier. It pierced his back and severed his spine.

Deadpool was no idiot. A fool, maybe, but not an idiot. He knew female psychology better than any other man alive, or at least he thought he did. He figured that if he was crazy, that was as close to female as a man could get. His cardinal rule about sex was: The way into a man's pants is through his zipper, but the way into a woman's pants is through her heart(or in some cases, wallet, but that's a whole other story). On a side note, Deadpool considered gay men like Spider-Man, Wolverine, and The Punisher cowards who take the easy way.(His thoughts, not mine)

He could tell by the way she stood that the woman was a fighter. Her well toned legs confirmed this as well. Now, what are particularly feminine woman trying to prove? That they have a tough side. So that means that most tough women try to prove that they have a feminine side. Deadpool was more than willing to let her prove it for as long as she wished, and all he saw was her backside! Deadpool had good instincts about this kind of stuff, though.

_'Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Wade old boy.' _Deadpool contemplated this as all of his wounds except for the gaping hole in his chest (an object was blocking the healing process, and his jaw, which was healing incorrectly due to being misplaced. The old one was taking up space that the new one was trying to fill in, and let me tell you, it was bloody painful. It was nothing to Deadpool, who had been through worse shit, but still.

Tifa and Barret (whom she had been speaking with before she was rudely interrupted) came up from the secret basement. When Tifa saw the scene in her bar, she went into hysterics.

"But... but... oh! What have I done! I... didn't mean to kill him! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" She fell to her knees and cried into her armored hands,"I'M SO SORRY!"

"Damn, the man just grabbed some tail. Dat was col' Tifa." Barret was in a state of shock,"I mean da-amn, girl. What did you shur you only hit 'em wid yer fist? Dat's one messed up mudderfucker right there."

"No, he was like that when Marlene brought him in this morning. Oh, but that's not the point. I'm a...(sob) I'm a... MURDERER! I murder the man who... (sniff) saved Marlene!"

"Damn... wait a minute. Marlene needed saving?"

"Yes. I was about to tell you, but... " she looks at her 'victim' and breaks down yet again.

As he notices his companions distracted by each other, he rips his jaw out. An new one quickly grows back in it's place. He gets back into the position they found them in before they can turn around and catch him. Now for phase 2 of his plan.

Deadpool throws his voice(which makes him sound like his coming out of nowhere while he seems to keep his mouth shut),"**I am the spirit of the man you just murdered! I have come seeking my revenge!**"

Barret sat on a barstool in stunned silence. Tifa replied in a hushed voice as she rose from the floor,"I'm soo sorry! Please forgive me! I'll do anything to make it up to you, I swear!"

"**Anything, hmm? Very well then. Come and kneel at what remains of my earthly vessel, for I have affairs in this life that I must put in order...**" She complies.

"**Closer... closer... closer... no, that's too close... there, that's just perfect!**" Phase 3 time!

He then gropes her. It was so suddenly that it took her a full minute just to realize what was happening. When she did, her face went red with indignation, and...

**KER-POW!!!**

A slap so powerful that it made Deadpool's head spin. Literally.

'Oh, yeah. She's so diggin' me.'

* * *

**Deadpool is such a pimp. I think I want to spruce this up a bit, anyone have any thoughts?**


	7. Getting Tossed Out of Bars

They watched in horror as Deadpool used his hands to rise and free himself from the spike that had impaled him. The continue to stare blankly at him as the wound healed completely in seconds. Soon, he got up on his legs and adjusted his head (remember Tifa's uber-bitch slap?) They just kept looking at him with their mouths agape as if he'd grown a second head. In retrospect, he might as well have. Seeing that that they were speechless, he decided to break the ice. After all, he was good at breaking things, right?

"I would say 'sorry' for grabbing your supple ass and equally supple... well, y'know. But seein's as you probably woulda sent me into orbit- nice punch, by the way- if that ceiling didn't stop me, I'd say we'll call it even, eh? This a bar?"

Barret was the first one to gain some control over himself after the shock. He nods numbly.

"Fantastic minus the freakin' Four! So how about us men sit back, have a brew or two, and talk about how much Miss Badonkadonk over there costs for a night?"

"But you don't have any money, I checked when I changed your clothes..." Tifa still hadn't recovered completely from shock.

Barret gave Tifa a strange look. The 'just when you think you know a gal' look.

Deadpool saw an opening. "Well, money I can get quickly enough. I usually don't go for sluts, but for you, my dear, I'll make an exception."

"Damn, gurl... moaght want some of that action maself!" he chuckled.

It finally dawned on Tifa. They where implying that she was a... "No way!" her eyes were wide and her cheeks (her face, you pervert) were flaming with indignation.

"I am not a whore! And I don't care who you are, just leave now! I mean it!" She huffed all the way up the stairs that led to the second floor.

Deadpool looked at Barret and raised his hands defensively,"Look, with the way she dresses, anyone could make that mistake!"

Berret let out a sigh. This had happened a few times before, but the victims where in no condition, mentally or physically, to talk about it afterwords.

"She just gets like this sometimes. Look, Ah'm gratefully for you bringing Marlene back, I am. So, here some cash. I hope ta see you around, but I don't think you should stay. I'll give you some money and some clothes for what you did. We cool?"

Deadpool smiles,"We cool. Musta been that time of the month, eh?"

Barret chuckles, but says,"I don't know about all dat, but I know that that's not all it."

"Women. Whatcha going ta do?"

"True dat."

Barret hands him the money, which was 10,000 gil, and the clothes, a plain white t-shirt, jeans, and faded red sneakers. Barret said that these clothes are from his school years, as what he owns now would be far to large for Deadpool. He goes to a bathroom to change, but as he leaves he sees a slightly feminine white kid with blond hair in a purple uniform of some kind. He stops in front of Deadpool without a word just as Wade was coming through the door.

"Um, pardon moi..."

The man, if man he was, didn't move. Deadpool's dick head senses where starting to tingle.

"Fine. If you're going to be like that..." Deadpool did the last thing you would expect him to do. He moved out of the way, and let the guy by.

'The guy' passed him without comment. Deadpool then went forth to face his new life.

* * *

**Not my best work, by a long shot, but it's not my worst. I hate that it's so short, but I plan to do another chapter within the week. **

**Next chapter: Wade goes shopping and runs into some trouble because of his mutated facial features. He leaves town and forms a partnership with a certain ninja by chance. Until then, this is your captain speaking, sit back, relax, and for the love of the Father, buckle those damn seat belts!**


	8. Getting Back in the Game

Deadpool needed bandages to cover his face, a trench coat to make him look more mysterious, a weapon of some sort, and mercenary work. However, where does one find such things in this... giant slum? He then realized that he didn't know where anything was! As he added 'get a few maps' to his mental shopping list, he saw a slightly plump middle-aged woman dressed in rags. He walked up to her from behind and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Excuse me ma'am, would you know the..."

The woman turned to look at Deadpool and practically screamed at him,"Please don't hurt me! I have children!"

"Look lady, I'm not gonna..."

"And a good for nothing husband that spends all our money drinking!"

Deadpool's patience was thinning, but he knew that he was menacing without his mask, so he tried to be patient.

"I just..."

"Please! Tom, Ralph, and Sue need their mother!"

Deadpool was at the end of his limited patience.

"I don't need to hear you're damned life story, you retarded bitch! I just need to know where the GODFORSAKEN SHOPPING DISTRICT IS! So tell me what I want to know, or I'll rip your frickin' neck off your shoulders, your children'd be better off!"

The woman had broken down into tears by the end of that rant, but she managed to point him in the direction of Wall Market with an unsteady hand.

'Umm... thanks. Here's a tip." He tossed a few bills at the woman, and she greedily took them. He then made his way to Wall Market.

* * *

**That evening...**

Deadpool, after the occasional need to use diplomacy and, in more extreme cases, democracy, had gotten everything he needed. Besides the clothes that he had gotten from Barret, he was now wearing a trench coat and fedora, in the old-school detective style, and had wrapped his face and hands in bandages to cover his unsightly scarring as best he could. He had two pistols strapped to his hip, and two katana on his back, and a few maps of the city and world in his coat. The only thing he didn't have yet was a job, and that was why he was at a bar. Bars are gold mines to people of Deadpool's profession.

"So, what'll it be, stranger?"

"You might as well give me a water, on the rocks, 'cus I'll be surprised if this shit you serve here as an ounce of actual beer in it."

This took the barkeep of his guard. He rose to teach this rude stranger a lesson, how dare he insult his beer to his face, when said stranger pulled out a pistol before the poor man could even speak.

"I'm not here to have a drink," Deadpool said, "I'm a merc looking for work, and I know you fellows behind the bar counter know the shit on all the good stuff. So spill or be spilled."

"Please, I have a..." Deadpool pressed the pistol to the man's forehead.

"If you complete that sentence, I will shoot. Now, do you know of anybody who's looking for a mercenary or assassin?"

The other people in the bar ignored Deadpool, as this wasn't their business. Yes, this was one of THOSE bars.

The bar man was sweating bullets, "Some Turks came in earlier, looking for muscle, said come to them if I found any likely candidates..." the man was grabbed by the throat and lifted two feet into the air.

"Where are these... Turks? Speak now or forever rest in peace!"

"They're... at... the hotel... ask... at desk..." he croaked. Deadpool slung him to the ground,

"Thank you, and have a crazy day!"

_'That ship has sailed,'_ thought the barkeep. Deadpool walked out of the bar like he'd just had a pleasant conversation about the weather. He was very happy he hadn't been forced to shoot, because he bought his swords first and only had enough left over for the guns. He hasn't bought the bullets yet. The idea that he could have just bought one gun came to him to late.

* * *

**Wall Market's Hotel, soon after.**

"Yello," Deadpool greeted the receptionist.

"What?" this is the receptionist talking.

"I'm looking for the Turks, heard they where looking a gene-pool cleaner."

"A what?"

"A person who kills other people for money."

"Huh?"

"If your making fun of me, I'll kill you. Now, where are the turks?"

The poor girl got frightened enough to snap herself out of confusion and said, "Room 33."

"Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"No, not really, I guess."

"Miss?"

"Yessir?"

"Get your head examined."

"Yessir."

* * *

**Room 33**

Deadpool knocks on the door. Elena fumbles around to get up and opens the door. She's glad she sleeps in her street clothes, minus tennis shoes. She was a petite woman with short blonde hair that was in disarray at the moment and brown eyes.

"Hello, are you a Turk?"

"Umm... yes?" she said.

"And this makes you some kind special agent, right?"

"I suppose so."

"Then why did you just open the door?"

She blinked, "I don't understand."

"I mean, why'd you just open the door without even asking who I was?"

She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "You're so right! How dumb can I be?"

"I'm sure you can surprise yourself. I tell you what, I 'll give you a chance to do it again, seeings as I'm such a nice guy."

She blushed."You'd really do that?"

Deadpool shrugged,"Why not? Now, go shut the door, lock it, and then get back to bed, and I'll knock again. Then you ask who I am, and then ask what I'm here for. And if I give you a good enough reason to let me in, you do."

She gave him a salute and did as she was told. Deadpool knocked again.

"Who is it?" She said while standing on the other side of the door. She was rather curious as to who he was. He never told her!

"Name's Wade Wilson, but you can call me Deadpool."

"Deadpool?"

"Yep. It's a code name." She nodded, forgetting that he couldn't see. She understood code names. Reno gave her some interesting ones.

"What do you want," she said, adding an, "at this late hour?" to make the question sound more intelligent.

"I here you need a mercenary that specializes in assassinations. I heard that you were here." She open the door and looked Deadpool up and down. Deciding that the trench coat, bandages, and fedora look worked for him in a creepy way(think 'Invisible Man), she said:

"Well, it's kind of late. How about we talk about it tomorrow, over lunch?"

"Sounds super. Oh, and I'm sorta out of cash, could you spot me a few?"

"Sure, I guess." Deadpool took the money gratefully, and made reservations for the night. When he got behind his room's door, he started breaking out in uncontrollable laughter.

* * *

**I know it's not what I said I'd do, but this idea hit me, so I decided to follow the gag. Just remember that this does not set the pairing for this fic. Unlike some people, most notably people who write Ranma and Naruto fan fiction, I'm not so predictable. Until I sign the bottom line with my own blood, anything goes. Anything.**


	9. Deadpool In His Element

Deadpool's eyes opened slowly and he sat up in his hotel bed.

"Alright! Who's the rude mother fucker making things go boom at... Hell, what time is it anyway?" With that plate blocking the sky, it was hard to tell. To answer both of his questions, he grabs the remote on the night stand and turns on the T.V.

A pretty lady in red with brown hair flickered onto the screen.

"-just in: Another successful attack on the city's power grid by the terrorist organization, AVALANCHE. Mako Reactor 5 was bombed only minutes ago, two days after the bombing of Mako Reactor 8, also by AVALANCHE. Hundreds are left dead, injured and homeless. We are told that-" he looked at the time(8:00 A.M.), and turned the tube off. That was all he needed to know.

He got up, put on his blue jeans and shoes, but decided that he didn't need the white t-shirt, so he just slips on his trench coat. He goes to the bathroom and uses the mirror to wrap the bandages around his face properly. He tops it all off with his fedora(a hat that old time detectives in movies wore). Taking a look into the mirror, and deciding that yes, he looks very cool, he starts to head out the door, but stops when he sees an envelope. He opens and reads it.

_Dear Mr. Wilson,_

_The target that I was going to talk to you about has been changed due to circumstances beyond my control. I think. So our little lunch date will have to be bumped up a bit, to say, an early breakfast. Meet me at nine o' clock at that little diner in the middle of town._

_Love,_

_Elena_

Now, before I continue, I shall remind the reader of two things.

The first is that Deadpool is called the Merc-With-A-Mouth for more than one reason. He can be quite the smooth talker when he wants to be. It helps if the person he's talking to doesn't know much about him.

The second is that Deadpool is an assassin, whatever else he is. Assassins are masters of anatomy, reading body language, and knowing what to do at the right time to do it, among other things. These things make them very good in bed.

* * *

"So, you call yourself Deadpool?" His arms where crossed behind his neck and he was leisurely leaning back in his seat. They were in a booth. 

"Yes, but no need to be so formal. Call me Wade." She blushed. He has noticed that stupid women do this a lot around him. The waitress comes and she takes Elena's order. Deadpool decides not to get anything.

"Um... 'kay. So, Wade, what do you do?"

"Why, _anything_ your little heart desires." She sputters for a moment and glows crimson.

"But besides that, I mostly just kill people. I bake a mean chocolate-chip cookie, too."

"Ah... umm... that's good... So the man we need you to kill is Don Corneo. He's leaked information about an operation of ours. We'll pay 100,000 gil. 50 grand up front, the rest when you bring in his head. Do we have a deal?" She put a couple a stacks of bills on the table. Deadpool took them.

"Yeah, sure we do. So, you doing anything later?"

"No..." she said a little uncertainly, "I'm free for the rest of the day. Why?"

"Well, I know who you're talking about, and I doubt that this'll take fifteen minutes. So I was thinkin' that maybe you and I could spend some... quality time." He was wearing his best predatory smile.

"Q-quality t-t-time? But we've just met!" she squeaked.

"Oh, I know. But I haven't had any in awhile, and you look like you need a massage. Let's just say I have the magic touch. We'll see where we go from there, shall we? I'll swing by your room after I get the job done to collect my money, and if you're in the mood..."

He left Elena slightly afraid, but somewhat excited. Deadpool nearly chuckled out loud at how easy that was.

* * *

Deadpool hops over the front gate. He had met with no resistance so far, and this put him on his guard. Someone had definitely been here first. What he saw in the lobby confirmed this suspicion. The receptionist, a man in his early sixties, was laying unconscious at his desk. 

Deadpool lifted the whithered man up by his shirt's collar and slapped him awake. "Where's your boss! Talk and live, old man." The man said nothing and just pointed up the stairs. Deadpool promptly snapped his neck.

"I said 'talk and live' not 'point and live', why don't people pay attention?"

* * *

**Don Corneo's room:**

Corneo was sweating like a pig. Which is poetic, in a sense, if you think about it. He had just gotten rid of some troublesome people by sending them down a trap door that led to the sewers. Deadpool kicked the door open.

"Hello, I'll be your executioner this evening. I must say, it is a fine day to die, isn't it?"

The fat man got to his knees and started begging. "Please, I'll give you-" he couldn't finish the sentence because a katana had lodged itself into his vocal cords.

"-'everything I have, just please don't kill me, Mr. Cool Assassin Dude'. I've heard it a million times, and it was only funny the first thousand or so."

With a "shlink" he finished severing Don Corneo's head from it's lifeless corpse.

* * *

**Not proud of this one, but it gets the job done. Any suggestions on how to make this one better, I'd gladly appreciate it. Oh, and this isn't a Elena/Deadpool. Deadpool's just looking for an easy one night stand. Doesn't get much more 'easy' than Elena.**


	10. Trubble and Rubble in NonParadise

He knocks three times on her door.

"Lucy, I'm home!" Nothing.

He knocks three more times. Still nothing. He gives the knob a turn. The door opened without any trouble.

"Well this is odd, innit?"

He sees a phone by the bed. He puts down the sack he has thrown over his shoulders, and picks it up. He reads the message that is one the screen.

"'Sorry, but I'll have to take a rain check on that massage.' Well, this isn't starting off well. 'I told Reno about it and he didn't think it was a good idea.' I smell a rat… 'Since the group found out anyways, Reno told me that I might lose my job, since someone had to be blamed. So the cops should be by soon to arrest you, but I was smart! I knew that wouldn't work, so I gave you a phone bomb!' Maybe she is smarter than I thought… 'It's what you're reading! It's going to blow up! I forget how long it will take though.' I stand corrected."

In the next few seconds, several things happened very quickly. Someone knocked on the door and said, "Open up, we're the police!" Deadpool stuck the phone, which had started to peep ominously, into the sack where he had Don's head.

He opened the door, yelled, "Merry Christmas!" cheerfully, closed the door and leaned against it. The blast rattled the frame, and when Deadpool stopped leaning against it, the door fell in.

I won't go into detail, but the scene outside couldn't be called pretty unless you add words like "bloody" "gnarled" and "in need of a dentist… to identify".

This, dear readers, is why mercenaries and assassins ask for half of the money first.

Then the ground starts to rattle and the ceiling started to shake. The cheap wood that made up the walls were cracking. This goes on for about three minutes, and then suddenly stops. All is quiet, except for the sound of the building resettling itself after being shaken up.

Deadpool had fallen flat on his ass somewhere in the middle of these happenings. He picked himself up and looked out of his window.

He saw the sun peer through a whole in the plate above. He noted that it appeared to be morning.

"What in fucking hell is going on?" He took out his map of Midgar and placed it on a nearby desk.

"Let me see… that was Sector Seven. Damn. That many people… children…"

Most people assume that Deadpool is heartless. This is not so. These people also say that he is brainless. Also not so. He realized that the man he had been sent to kill knew of their plans to destroy Sector Seven. He was probably some petty crook that got in over his head.

"THOSE MOTHER FUCKIN' GODDAMNED FILTHY SONNAOFABICHES! Those pig suckers probably didn't even flinch, the rich asses might even be laughing."

A smile forms on Deadpool's face. He unsheathes a sword and holds it over the map with both hands, aiming at the spot on the map where the Shin-Ra building was said to be.

"Laugh while ya can, cause the Gene-pool Cleanser's gonna be giving away free samples!"

He stabs at the map with all his strength, and the desk under it shattered into splinters.

Deadpool's righteous side doesn't come out often, but when it does, people die. Fortunately, most of them are bad people.

**This chapter was short, but don't worry. The next chapter's going to be a doozy. He's going to paint Shin-Ra red with blood, but not before running into some people we all know and love.**

**All the help and support you can give are appreciated, and anyways I can improve are welcomed. I also do requests if I like them.**


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